Biarkan aku terbang tinggi....

Letting go

2007-04-04T00:52:00.000+08:00

I'll never think it could be so hard..letting go. At times, I still think I have feelings for him. Especially when he sms ing, even when he was still with me. I know, somehow, he is with someone now. I am happy for him. I knew that, since then, he was not meant for me. Now, I thinked him as best pal. But do I? Damn, I need to meet other people soon. Just to broaden up my "little" horizon.

Hello 26

2007-02-23T23:35:00.000+08:00

Yesterday..I turned 26. I don't really know whether I am now at the peak of my job or not. As far as I concerned, my heart and mind still remain as true and loyal to my current job. Still, there are so much emptiness in my heart..not because of friends and family. But the other parts of my heart which is still searching. Searching for the person who is compatible, and the most important thing that really love me, more than I love him. Am I desperate? No, but I admit, this emptiness is eating me slowly. I have come to an age where you need someone to rely, and even to listen to your whining and all that crap..and not even friends can fulfill that..coz it was left to be fulfill for that special ones..Sorry girls..when your age is increasing..somehow that sensitive and emotional feeling might eating you up..

" When love beckons, follow him, even the way ahead is steep"

It's just me ..already past the mid 20s :P

Travelling pants

2006-11-05T02:33:00.000+08:00

This is the second time I went to Laos..all the memory came back to me instantly..

Fed Up

2006-10-02T16:45:00.000+08:00

I am fed up with all the nonsense. I am not the bosses blue eyes!! Stop pestering me with all that. I am simply doing my work. I don't have any intention to take any advantages of any people. I am dammed pissed off with all these crap. Just stop..stop it!!!

Love quotes

2006-07-01T05:06:00.001+08:00

“the minute i heard my first love story, i started looking for you not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don`t finally meet somewhere. They are in each other all along. That's why when we meet our love, it`s like we`ve known it for a long time" (by Mowlana Jalaluddin Rumi)
P/S: Cinta? Dengarkan album M.Nasir yang terbaru, aku ingin mengalami percintaan sehebat itu.

Happy new year Artgal!!

2006-06-22T13:57:00.000+08:00

It has been six months since January. Yet, I couldn't think of a resolution, an objective that I would like to achieve this year. Ok, let me put up this way. This is my first entry of the year, which showed that I have been busy with work and other stuffs, which I don't think any of it has brought much impact to my life. The interesting part was, there was one time when I've been given assignment to UK. It is my first time to the country and it turned out that I was the youngest among them. The worst thing was I have zero knowledge on defense and security equipments, and yet my assignments needed me to cover as much as defense aspect as well as economic. The trouble arouse during our welcomed dinner in London, where they eventually touched on the failed-missile Sea Skua. I don't even know what are they talking about during the time. I was quite blur at that time. Luckily, the ....were quite helpful and shared information with me. For the last three days in UK, I learned a lot of things and experienced new things, which I appreciated so much. Dear London, wait for me..I will be there soon...

Going Away

2005-12-01T23:54:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I just wished that I can packed up my things and move on to other sorts of life..maybe going away..exploring new opportunities, different life..how I wished I can do that. I have always dream ...want to live my life as I like..free as a bird without any attached to anybody. After working for almost two years, I can't wait for Ana to finished her studies, I really want to start new..unfortunately, in reality..I can only do that after working for ten years..it means that I stuck to my job for whole ten years..this mean I'll be working here for another eight years..and that time I'll be 32..i wish to see other places, meet new people and doing something that could benefit others..I wished the time passed by quickly so that I can pursue it at anytime..Em, by the way..I love my job but I get bored easily and I want to open myself to new challenges..You think I can make it?

Missing you

2005-11-28T20:55:00.000+08:00

My dear sister, currently studying very hard for her final examination in Melaka..her third semester in International Business, Business Faculty. I missed you a lot. When are you coming back.... :)

BAD DAY

2005-11-11T14:28:00.000+08:00

BAD DAY

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

P/S: I'm still looking for that sunny sunshine to bright my life again!!!

Anti social

2005-10-22T15:04:00.000+08:00

It has been difficult living among the "care society". Always care for somebody who are not even you family. For me, anti-social, I should learn to respect those old people who actually busying taking care of my family (according to my mum!) Sigh..how i'm gonna smile to them when these so-called busy body trying to interfere my life..using my mum..i'm not an hypocrite, when I don't like certain people..I actually don't talk to them but somehow these lately I have been very polite to everyody..At least what can I do, was smile back at them when they smile at me..Yeah, now I have becoming a hypocrite.

Makcik B: "Eh..eh..ko dah besar rupanya.dah kerja?"
Aku : "Dah makcik, kat Bernama."
Makcik B: "Lama dah kerja?dulu, ko kecik lagi..main lari-lari kat umah makcik tingkat 6 tu"
Aku : *Senyum*
(Perbualan ini dirakamkan di dalam lif hari ini sebelum aku pergi kerja. Sampai aku ke ofis, aku masih tak ingat sapa makcik tu dalam hidup aku..)

Easy & Difficult

2005-10-19T14:15:00.000+08:00

Easy is to get a place is someone's address book.

Difficult is to get a place in someone's heart.

Easy is to judge the mistakes of others

Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes

Easy is to talk without thinking

Difficult is to refrain the tongue

Easy is to hurt someone who loves us.

Difficult is to heal the wound...

Easy is to forgive others

Difficult is to ask for forgiveness

Easy is to set rules.

Difficult is to follow them...

Easy is to dream every night.

Difficult is to fight for a dream...

Easy is to show victory.

Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity...

Easy is to admire a full moon.

Difficult to see the other side...

Easy is to stumble with a stone.

Difficult is to get up...

Easy is to enjoy life every day.

Difficult to give its real value...

Easy is to pray every night.

Difficult is to find God in small things...

Easy is to promise something to someone.

Difficult is to fulfill that promise...

Easy is to say we love.

Difficult is to show it every day...

Easy is to criticize others.

Difficult is to improve oneself...

Easy is to make mistakes.

Difficult is to learn from them...

Easy is to weep for a lost love.

Difficult is to take care of it so not to lose it.

Easy is to think about improving.

Difficult is to stop thinking it and put it into action...

Easy is to think bad of others

Difficult is to give them the benefit of the doubt...

Easy is to receive

Difficult is to give

Easy to read this

Difficult to follow

Easy is keep the friendship with words

Difficult is to keep it with meanings

Midnight blues

2005-10-11T22:43:00.000+08:00

Still long to go..

Pemandangan dari rumah sejak 24 tahun yang lampau.

Bangsar..jalan-jalan yang kulalui meniti zaman remaja ke zaman kedewasaan.

My DigiCAM

2005-10-10T10:39:00.000+08:00

This my first picture that taken from my first Digital Camera..Samsung A1420. That was a view from a seat in Bangkok Airport..Well, it's not a great picture but it was the first one I took with the camera.

Salam Ramadhan

2005-10-05T20:38:00.000+08:00

Ramadhan is a month that will always bring good things from everybody. This is the time where people kinda of shut their mouth from all those *%&$@#&** words. This is the month where everybody seems to remember prayers, good deeds and all that would actually touched your good innerself. That's include me. Well, I hope I can do "Solat Terawih" this time because last year, I was so busy with my works. (It is not an excuse but I had to attend to more than dozens of breaking fast session which were `must go' last year). Well, I hope I be able to be a good daughter. (Must be able to help my mum always with the chores) and well..I can't think of anything right now..HeHeHe..Well for all my friends out there....SALAM RAMADHAN :)

Ex-British Police Force

2005-10-05T20:26:00.000+08:00

During my visit to Laos, I remember my encounter with an old British man. He was like anybody else --with its bagpack on its back, wearing an old baseball cap, he standing behind me and Sue, while we negotiating with the bicycle owner. With a smile, he greeted us and asked whether we are from Malaysia. After realising that we are from M'sia, he smiled back and said in Malay that he used to work in Malaysia (used to known as Tanah Melayu before the Independence) as a police force. He has been to Melaka, Kangar and touched almost any state in M'sia. I think he remembered M'sia very well and be able to collect good memories there. How I wish I can talked to him more at that time. I think he kinda miss this place. The last sentence that I could remembered were "Saya cuma datang nak tanya khabar pada kamu berdua", it's kinda touched both of us. I hope anywhere he is in the map, hopefully he is in great health and happy....Nice meeting u too SIR!!

Last Night in Laos

2005-10-01T20:21:00.000+08:00

This is my last night in Laos, and I cannot wait to get back home. I miss home so much, and the I missed both my parents, Mamat and Ana. Ten days ago, I was all alone in Laos, preparing myself for the big (it is for me) Asean Economic Ministers (AEM) Meeting. Now, i'm all set to go home. So many things I learnt here, and yet still to many things to learn. Thank you for all those who give the opportunity for me. I will never forget this. Especially Room 1011, will always in my heart. Well, there was another thing that I will never forget, how Sue and I fought for our right as we battled against bicycle rental owner who cheated us, by refunding the deposit of US$40, despite off US$50 that we have gave earlier. What a nightmare, as we fought back for the US$10 but then I backed off as I am worried that it might troubled us later. Well, the bicycle ride was quite pleasant, and the sunset scenery has able to heal back our heart from the hatred to the bicycle owner, and back to normal. Kuala Lumpur, wait for my return!!!

Laos: A bitter beginning

2005-09-25T18:00:00.000+08:00

I reached Laos two days before in a hope that I could do better in my news report. Things actually turned against me. It is very hard to even communicate with the secretariat and even the Malaysian's official not being helpful enough. It's hard. I don't know if things turned better for me tomorrow. I hope it will be okay.

NEW SKIN, NEW BEGINNING

2005-09-17T17:25:00.000+08:00

It has been awhile since I posted my last entry. Well, so busy with works, forget that I have another life `HERE'. So, this time around, I decided to post new entry together with new skin. Like I said, NEW SKIN together with NEW BEGINNING. At first, I actually want new skin that portrays my age. However, sorry folks, I couldn't resisted this one. It reminded me old memories. The memories I ever had with my friends, long ago. It showed that deep down, I still a child myself despite I am 24 years old. How time flies and I missed those several years. Things have changed a lot, and it made me realise that there's so much things that I have not accomplished. So many dreams but yet so many obstacles and challenges. So many things to do but yet time is running out. Would I be able to go on dreaming......

Percutian di Tioman

2005-09-06T20:43:00.000+08:00

Semua tengah excited atas bot dalam perjalanan ke Kg Salang

Dah ready nak bertolak ke Tioman menaiki bas Bernama

P/S:Aku habis hampir tiga roll filem kat sana, hopefully semua jadi. My first and big holiday!!

Love At First Sight

2005-08-02T13:01:00.000+08:00

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

both are convinced

that are sudden surge of emotion bound them together

beautiful is such a certainty

but uncertainty is more beautiful

because they did'nt know each other earlier

they suppose that nothing was happening between them

what of the streets, stairways and corridors

where they could have

passed each other long ago?

i'd like to ask them whether they remember

perhaps in a revolving door everbeing face to face

and excuse me in a crowd

or... a voice wrong number in the receiver

but i know their answer

no.. they dont remember

they be greatly astonished

to learn for a long time

chance has playing with them not yet really ready

to learn for a long time

not yet really ready

to transform into fate for them

it approached them then backed off

stood in their way

and suppresring a giggle, jumpe to the side

P/S: I have always dreamed that I will meet my dream guy this way..hehehe

Swimming

2005-06-24T00:06:00.000+08:00

Dengan rasminya, aku sudah berjaya berenang. Ini detik sejarah buatku setelah berjaya terapungkan diri dua hari sebelumnya...

p/s: aku rasalah walaupunada orang bilang aku berenang mcm org lemas..hehehe..tempat bersejarah: kolam renang Cyberlodge, Cyberjaya

2005-06-20T20:52:00.000+08:00

The friends we have, the friends we’ve left
By Kalimullah Hassan (Sunday Times)

June 19
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO is a friend? There are so many things that we expect a friend to be — loyal, devoted, trustworthy, dependable, to be there in times of trouble, in times of ease, in times of sorrow, in times of joy…

Is this what real friends are meant to be?

Through the passage of life, we meet many people. Most, sadly, come into our lives and leave as quickly. Alas, there are but few, who enter, leave a footprint in our hearts and remain forever.

Through history, philosophers and poets have defined friends in so many ways.

A friend is someone who is there when others walk out.

A friend is one who knows all about you, and still likes you.

A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.

A friend is one who knows more about you than yourself and still loves you.

A friend’s hand is always there ...you just have to reach out for it.

A friend is like a wall. Sometimes you lean on the wall, and sometimes, it is just enough to know it’s there.

We expect all that of friends, but how many friends do we really have?

The kind who do not walk in and out but who remain constant, and are there whenever you need them.

Former Chrysler chairman Lee Iacocca once said what many of us believe to be true: "My father used to say that when you die, if you’ve got five real friends, you’ve had a great life."

Wise words. Because there are many who claim to be friends and many whom we call friends.

But if you can list the qualities most important to you in a friend, you will find, like Iacocca’s father said, that you would be lucky if you could count five real friends.

I guess I am luckier than many. I have more than five friends for whom I hope I can be as good a buddy as they have been to me.

My wife and our four children; Vincent, Brendan, Nor, Kian Onn, David, Kian Tick, Mervin, Verghese, Kelvin, Hock Lai, Joseph, Kamal, Jack…

Aah, Jack. A good man. I cannot remember how we met.

It was so many years ago, in the mid to late 1980s when Jack was a fast-rising young diplomat in the Singapore High Commission in Kuala Lumpur.

He was the counsellor, the number two guy, and quite unlike the image of the Singaporean we had in our minds. A chain smoker, fun loving, witty, funny, affable…

At first, we met on the diplomatic cocktail circuit where journalists, politicians and diplomats fed off each other’s rumours or merely enjoyed each other’s company.

We had common friends. Verghese, who used to work with Jack, Mervin and Musa Scully, the veteran journalists, and old Renee, the publican who served the best ox-tail soup in Jalan Gasing.

It is hard to remember who got along with whom first. The only memories are that we were together, almost always.

As we became friends, I found that Jack was not a happy man. His marriage was not all what he wanted it to be and over time, it was the children that kept the family together.

Amidst working in an atmosphere where there were constant hiccups in relations between Malaysia and Singapore, Jack and his wife tried to keep their relationship working.

And somewhere, sometime, he met Fatimah, an artist of great talent, and a senior officer in the Ministry of Education.

It is said that we come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. And that is how it happened.

Jack was not perfect. Who is? But between them, Fatimah and Jack found the kind of love that spanned the rocky Strait of Johor.

And despite all the perils, it was a pleasure for friends to see them together, arguing and pouting at times, but always looking at each other with an affection that warmed the heart.

Jack and his wife eventually divorced, and Fatimah and he married.

Jack found that his marriage to a senior officer in the Malaysian Government was frowned upon by touchy Singapore officialdom and Fatimah, likewise, found that she had to now work in less sensitive jobs because she had married a Singapore diplomat.

Eventually, refusing to live under a cloud of suspicion, both quit their jobs and decided, like storybook children, to live out their lives on the beach.

With whatever money they had, they opened a little resort in Pekan and have for the last decade happily lived by the sea.

We kept in touch, less regularly as time went by, but occasionally, we would all get e-mail from Jack who was still his old playful self.

We saw him occasionally. Jack always had a problem with premature greying but now he was completely grey and had a ponytail. He looked cool.

Fatimah was her gracious self, never seeming to age.

They had an apartment in Highland Towers. One morning, they decided to spend the weekend in Genting Highlands with the children.

An hour after they left, the building collapsed. They were the lucky ones.

When I lost my job in 1988 and suddenly became unemployable, Jack was among the few friends like Mervin, Lai, Suhaini, Assif and Verghese who stood by me and gave me the shoulder to lean on, the support to carry on, the confidence to continue believing in myself.

When I started my business, Jack was among the few who would call up from wherever he was to give encouragement and wish me well.

We shared stock market tips and lost money. We’d scold each other and then laugh about our dreams to get rich quick.

The last I heard from Jack was when I joined the New Straits Times last year. We exchanged a series of emails and I promised for the umpteenth year that I would visit him at his resort.

Mervin and the rest made the same promises. None of us went.

Three weeks ago, Verghese called to say that Jack had passed away. For a moment, I was angry because Verghese, like Jack and Mervin, would often make jokes like that and later laugh at our reaction.

But this time, it was not a joke.

The saddest part was that none of us knew how to get in touch with Fatimah.

This week, Fatimah sent us an e-mail. It read:

Dear All,

I am writing to you because Jack regarded you as good friends. Jack passed away on 20th May: It was quite a peaceful death (he was unconscious at the time) after his battle with 4th stage lung cancer.

Any anecdotes or fond memories that you’d like to share with his two children or myself will be greatly appreciated; our treasury of thoughts and moments with and of him always has room for more.

Fatimah

We never knew he had cancer. Jack never told us. It was so in character with him. Much as we remind ourselves all the time that we should not leave the loving till tomorrow, we did just that.

Jack was in his early 50s and we all thought we would always find time to see each other, one day…

How do we know we have a true friend?

We always knew Jack was a true friend but how good a friend he was only hit us when we found it so difficult to accept that we would never see him again.

Jack was that friend who was there when others walked out. He knew all about us and still liked us just as we knew all about him and still liked him.

Jack believed in me when others ceased to do so. He was the wall we could lean on, and his hand was there for us to reach out to.

It was just enough to know he was there. It’s just that we got too caught up with living life in the fast lane that we kept less in touch. But we all knew Jack, like we to each other, would always be there.

That is how I will remember Jack, Fatimah.

He was a good friend. For that, we are less complete now because from the few friends that we will ever have, one good friend has gone.

It is our regret that we saved our speeches for Jack until he was no more.

We always thought we’d look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we’d look back on our laughter and cry. — (Anon)

P/S: I'm posting this article as it reminds me of someone. Reading this, my heart aches yet knowing I'm still remember her and miss her so much. She had passed away but yet her place in my heart still remain intact. May Allah bless your spirit. (Allahyarhamah Nur Faizah Idris (passed away five months, three days ago!)

Dewa..mungkinkah penyambung....????

2005-05-29T16:15:00.000+08:00

Malam tadi aku saksikan konsert Dewa secara live. Pertama kali aku melangkahkan kaki ke konsert dan aku sukakannya. Al-maklumlah, aku memang x suka berada di tempat yang sesak sangat tetapi suasana semalam agak berlainan. Semua yang datang membawa tujuan yang sama, semuanya amat menyukai Dewa..walaupun aku baru setahun dua mengenali kumpulan ini, aku amat sukakannya. Tapi aku terkilan sebab tidak dapat bersama2 mereka menyanyikan lagu2 lama mereka seperti Bunga..bukan x nak tapi aku tak tahu.Sedih betul..Nasib baik mereka nyanyikan lagu2 daripada album sebelum Laskar Cinta. Aku rasa dua album tu saja yang aku ada. Yang amat penting, aku bersama seseorang yang pernah mendiami sudut hati ini. Amir..Entah kenapa aku rasa amat senang sekali berbual dengan dia. Masa bercinta dulu, kami x pernah menghabiskan masa begini..akhirnya cinta yang baru tersemai..hilang begitu sahaja mengikut edaran masa..Dia kekasih yang pertama, masa tu baru berusia 20 tahun. Agak mentah dan tidak matang, masing2 dengan cita-cita masing-masing. Sekarang, masing2 berusia 24 tahun. Mungkinkah ianya berubah? Entahlah..bila fikir balik amat susah, tak mahu rasanya terperangkap. Masa konsert semalam, banyak lirik Dewa yang membuatkan aku berperang dengan perasaan sendiri. Bermacam perasaan timbul..gembira, pilu, sedih, semuanya bergilir-bergilir mengambil tempat. Bersama dengannya semalam, bagai mencuri masa silam..masa silam yang tidak pernah hadir..mungkinkah aku perlu kembali ke masa silam atau sekadar singgah, mengambil barang yang hilang dan meneruskan perjalanan hidupku seorang diri pada masa depan. entahlah, mungkin masa akan menentukan segalanya, mungkin juga inikah peluang baru untuk memulakan sekali lagi cinta?...

Music of my heart

2005-05-28T20:35:00.000+08:00

Aku tetiba teringat semasa kecil, bonda selalu menyanyikan aku lagu. Walaupun x ingat, kadangkala irama itu berlegar-legar di dalam mindaku. Perkara yang sama aku lakukan semasa adikku kecil. Masa tu umurnya empat tahun dan aku berada di dalam darjah enam. Walaupun katanya dia x suka lagu tu, tak sangka dia masih ingat lirik lagu yang sering aku nyanyikan untuk dia tidur. Kadang2 mengambil kesempatan bermanja denganku, dia menyuruhku menyanyikan lagu itu walaupun hakikatnya suara ku tidak selunak mana pun. Kini dia berusia 17 tahun. Hebatkan bagaimana lagu memainkan peranan dalam hidup seseorang. Yang pasti, kalau sehari x dengar lagu2 kesukaan ku, aku x boleh bekerja. Walkman akan sentiasa berada dalam beg termasuk juga kaset2 kegemaran, kadangkala aku rasa jumlah berat beg aku sebenarnya disumbangkan oleh sebahagian daripada kaset2 itu. Dengan kesesakan lalulintas setiap hari, lagu membantu aku daripada sakit kepala akibat kesesakan. Kegemaranku pastinya Dewa, Padi, S07, Peter Pan, Cokelat, Melly, Buble', Ari Lasso and Amy Mastura. Setiap lagu mempunyai makna dan irama tersendiri. Ianya boleh membangkitkan perasaan mengikut irama dan lirik lagu. Aneh tetapi benar! Paling tidak, ianya bisa mengosongkan kocekku setiap bulan :)

2005-05-26T21:26:00.000+08:00

"Bahagialah mereka yang tahu apa yang mereka cari dalam hidup", sepotong ayat yang sesungguhnya membuatkan aku termenung sejenak. Sepanjang hidup aku, tiada impian yang sahih yang aku idam2kan. Setelah menjawat jawatan impian aku, aku ingat berakhirlah segala impian, namun impian tak seindah yang kita idamkan. Ternyata, lebih banyak tanggungjawab yang harus aku pikul lebih2 lagi selepas bekerjaya. Memang indah bila dapat apa yang kita mahukan, tapi untuk mengekalkannya perlukan ketabahan yang cekal. Entahlah, aku masih tercari2 maksud hidup. Apakah selama ini aku hidup untuk membahagiakan diri ataupun membahagiakan orang lain. Ianya memang sukar untuk ditelan, tapi aku mengakui masih jauh perjalanan yang harus aku tempuh. Dan sehingga hari itu tiba, di waktu aku sudah pun tahu apa yang aku cari, aku akan merasa amat bahagia. Memanglah manusia memang tidak puas dengan apa yang dimiliki, tapi itulah penanda kebahagiaan. Bagiku kebahagiaan keluargaku adalah kebahagiaan ku. Mungkin jawapannya lima tahun akan datang, siapa tahu??????

Choices

2005-05-05T20:15:00.000+08:00

Choose an artist/band and answer using the artist band's lyric of songs....

My choice: Melly
Are u male or female: Perempuan
Describe yourself: Teman hidup yang sejiwa
How do some people feel about you: Intuisi
How do you feel about yourself: Setia
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Kau yang membuat kesalahan
Describe your current boyfriend/girlfriend: Biar aku pendam sendiri
Describe where you want to be: Mimpi
Describe what you want to be: perempuan idaman..hehehe
Describe how u live: Ku bahagia
Describe how u love: Cintai dia yang mencintaiku
Share a few words of wisdom: Misteri hidup akankah menghilang dan bahagia di akhir cerita..

Perkahwinan

2005-05-03T14:47:00.000+08:00

Dengan lafaz kali kedua, Kak Nina sah menjadi isteri Abang Yin..Dengan wajah yang sedikit malu, dia mencium tangan Abg Yin dengan syahdunya sambil diperhatikan kaum kerabat seluruhnya. Berakhirlah penantian si dara, dan bermulalah penghidupan baru. Sesekali, aku terfikir, perkahwinan bakal menggabungkan dua jiwa menjadi satu kehidupan dan ini baru sahaja permulaan kepada kehidupan yang baru itu. Indahnya..walau bagaimana ia akan bermula, ianya tentu menarik. Dengan restu kedua belah keluarga, tentunya akan memberi seakan rahmat kepada pasangan mempelai baru itu. Bila melihatkan senyuman yang mekar daripada si suami yang seakan lega dengan pernikahan itu, menyebabkan aku berfikir, mampukah aku untuk melalui semua saat itu nanti. Bersediakah aku, walaupun sesungguhnya pernikahan dua jiwa itu merupakan penyatuan pasangan kekasih yang ingin hidup bersama. Mampukah aku untuk menyerahkan segalanya kepada orang yang sebelum ini asing dalam hidupku..Aku fikir satu kekuatan bagi semua pasangan yang bercinta sehingga berjaya meneruskan percintaan ke jinjang pelamin. Indahnya..tetiba anganku dimusnahkan dengan ketiadaan calon itu dalam hidupku..hehehe.Mungkin masanya belum tiba dan yang nyata aku ingin melalui saat-saat indah itu..

Living Live Vigorously

2005-03-28T13:05:00.000+08:00

Living Live Vigorously by Amir Muhammad..an eye-opener for me. The first damn serious indi film. The second one I watched after "Gedebe" last year. And this is my review..

"Vigorously" . According to Oxford Compact Thesaurus (2001 edition) it can be relate with strongly, powerfully, forcefully, energetically, heartily and any other words which similar with it. In the film, the director/producer are doing an insight on how the Indonesian perceived their countries, leaders, development, environment during the Soekarno's era, Suharto as well as current leader like Megawati and Susilo. During the film was filmed, Indonesia was in the mid of election campaign between Megawati and Susilo. And who win? The answer was already answered. I remembered how I was tortured by one of the lecturer who is teaching Political Science during my last semester in UiTM. Such a strict lecturer who had passion for Indonesia Politics and had written two books about it. (maybe more, I could'nt remember). And one of it is Wiranto. Another strong icon in Indonesia politic.
In the film, many question been given, and many different answer were given back. Some of it 1) How do you describe Soekarno and Suharto? 2)What makes them differ with each other.. 3)Who do u choose? Susilo or Megawati? The interesting part u, it opened your eyes entirely on how Indonesian really perceived outsider and many more. One element that really impressed me was how the Indonesian really refered themselves as one like for example : Saya orang Indonesia tapi berketurunan Cina. which that thing never happened here. I'm not sceptical here, but just reminding the fact. The fact is we always referred ourselves as Malay, Chinese, Indian etc etc. Not as Malaysian. Not that I praising Indonesian but this thing happen. How often do u see that Indian mixing or hanging out with Chinese/Malay. Not often for me. I remembered during school, most of my friends are Indian and Chinese. Only few Malays are my best friend. And why? Malays are sceptical..only want to friend with their clique and with those who have same interest. I remembered how the same clique always get chance to perform in school play and school competition, without giving chances to others. Yes, I am jealous. Jealous with friends that always get good things without even work for it. And hate teachers who always adore them and treat them with special treatment, without realising that teacher should not show their adoration towards certain students. But everything that happens always have a good reason with it. My Indian and Chinese friends helped me always in building my confidence especially while talking English with them. Never look down on me, but helped me in a way as if I am belonging. Everyone that I've been friend with, has a role somehow in building "Nor Baizura Basri" to be what she is today. Always accepting me for not who I am but as who I am for them. And for my few Malay friends, they're the ones that taught me "friendship is forever, no matter where you are, who you are and what you are", and until now they accept me without any "charges". How "Living Live Vigorously" reminds me of old time. I will always adore and cherished old time, which taught me how to face my ownself.

If (1910)

2005-03-21T16:35:00.000+08:00

I realised that I beginning to like travelling on ERL..not because it was more faster than LRT (in long distance), but because I had come across so many good poems in the train..This is one of them....

If

If freckles were lovely, and day was night,
And measles were nice and a lie was'nt a lie,
Life would be delight,--
But things could'nt go right
For in such a sad plight,
I wouldn't be I

If earth was heaven and now was hence,
And past was present, and false was true,
There might be some sense,
But I'de be in a suspence,
For on such a pretence, You would'nt be you

If fear was plucky, and globes were square,
And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee, Things would seem fair,--
Yet they'd all despair
For if here was there
We could'nt be we..

Cinta itu bukan milikku

2005-03-19T16:56:00.000+08:00

Orang kata cinta itu pengorbanan. Dan inilah yang kulakukan demi seorang kawan dan seorang abang. Namun, aku redha..sesungguhnya orang yang bersabar dan kuat, disayangi ALLAH. Itu pemikiranku. Walaupun hati ini pedih dan terluka, aku kuatkan hati untuk menempuh cubaan yang lebih besar. Semua pemikiran dan kudratku, kulimpahkan pada pekerjaan. Selama ini penantian yang sia-sia, namun aku hargai setiap bibit kenangan agar ianya terus segar dan mekar. Kuberdoa agar ditemukan dengan insan yang setia dan menyayangi diri ini sepenuh hati..Semoga kesedihan ini akan berakhir. Terima kasih sahabat2 yang sentiasa manyayangi dan mengambil berat diri ini. Semoga kalian terhindar dari kesedihan yang ku alami selama ini. Insya-Allah.

Stress week

2005-03-19T13:21:00.000+08:00

It's been a stress week for me..Commodity reports and all things that related to it, has made my life miserable, the whole week. But..as always I accept it as one of the obstacles that I have to go through to make my life, a level better. And I am looking forward next week, as "pay day" is arriving very soon. Next week, still doing the commodity report but it will be boost by my salary..hahaha. I think it will be more stressful, if the boss decided for me to understudy the money market, it would be more than stress but hell. So, it will better for me to cherished the free time that I have now..What a life...

It may not always be so; and I say

2005-03-11T19:49:00.000+08:00

On my way back in ERL from Putrajaya last month, something caught my eyes..It were poems written by E.E Cummings, a US Citizen, long-long time ago..And this is one of his poems..

It may not always be so; and I say

It may not always be so; and I say
that if your lips, which I haved loved, should touch
anothers, and your dear strong fingers clutch his heart,
as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as I know, or such
great writhing words as, uttering over much
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;
if this should be, I say if this should be
you of my heart, send me a little words;
that I may go unto him, and take his hands
saying, Accept all happiness from me.
Then I turn my face, and hear the bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

P/s: This poem actually reminds me of someone..Sorry...

2005-03-09T14:19:00.000+08:00

Umurku baru 24 tahun ini..tapi aku rasa dah banyak benda aku lalui..Saat2 kematian, tanggungjawab, kerja dan lain-lain lagi..Masa kecil, bila tengok orang dewasa, tak sabar nak melangkah ke alam kedewasaan..Tetapi bila dah dewasa, rasanya bagai mahu pulang ke-usia remaja..Usia di mana aku masih boleh lari dari tanggungjawab. Tapi..ini bukan bermakna aku dah bosan dan ingin lari dari hidup..tetapi aku cuma mahu berehat sebentar. Kalau boleh mahu kembali kepada perasaan berusia 17 tahun..Walaupun sibuk dengan SPM, tapi semasa umur itulah aku rasakan keseronokan hidup ini..Hairan bukan..tapi ini kenyataan..Hanya AKU dan AKU sahaja yang mengetahui apa yang berlaku ketika itu..Masa itulah aku rasa hidup ini INDAH...

Sepet..The love story

2005-03-01T16:27:00.000+08:00

Love..is a general word and more affectionate word to describe what we feel. Love..can become hatred and love can unite people..That's my description about love. Before this, there had been several cases, which I fell in love and been dumped after a certain period. I also dumped people after that..which made me realise love is not great at all. I forgot about everything else.Love between family members, friends, relatives and anyone beside love between a man and a woman. I always take things for granted and I realise I am not the only one. After watching Sepet, I suddenly realise, love is not only about a man loves a woman, or vice versa. It is a feeling where you can give to almost anyone..especially giving back to the ones who love you, no matter who they are. The same day before I went to watch "Sepet", I quarrelled with my mum, telling her everything about my feeling which also telling her my emptiness. After the movie, the first thing I want to do after reaching home, is I hugged her and apologised, but I don't. My mum like always, remain calm as if nothing has happened earlier that day. I feel very stupid, telling her my real age and at the same time acting like a 12 year old. Speaking my hearts out with a yell! Yes, I did that and it was a stupid thing to do. Not long after that, I regretted. My words were harsh and eventhough she did the same thing, I don't have the right to yell back at her..It's not right..The thing is I love her very much and I would'nt let anyone came near..but it jush a bad thing and I have no idea to show my true feelings..

Keropok

2005-02-25T19:40:00.000+08:00

Esok aku ditugaskan untuk menemubual seorang pengusaha keropok lekor..Jadi untuk memantapkan tugas, aku terus mencari bahan-bahan atau latar belakang yang berkenaan dengan industri keropok lekor di Malaysia. Nah..apa yang aku dapat, bukannya tentang sejarahnya tetapi sejumlah pengalaman orang ramai yang melibatkan keropok lekor. Melalu blog mereka, pelbagai ragam, kenangan dan pendapat dilontarkan mengenai keropok lekor, di mana aku pasti makanan ini bukan sahaja digemari oleh penduduk tempatan bahkan warga asing..Bukan sahaja makanan ini popular bahkan menjadi sebutan pasa setiap peminatnya..Yang pasti, kenangan menemubual pengusaha keropok lekor esoknya pasti akan memberi impak yang tidak akan berakhir padaku :)

Kimura is Back!!

2005-02-20T17:59:00.000+08:00

For all fans of Takuya Kimura, don't forget to switch on to 8TV every Saturday and Sundays, 6pm. He's back with his new drama "Pride", got to watch. I've watched it and love every minute of it..See ya

Broken Dreams

2005-02-17T12:44:00.000+08:00

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

A month after she left...

2005-02-16T16:32:00.000+08:00

Monday, November 08, 2004:
bai...kerinduan ku pada mu membara..
setiap hari bagaikan padang pasir
tanpamu

keindahan laut lenyap tanpa kehadiranmu
kecerian burung senyap tanpamu disisiku

bai,kaulah sahabat ku di kala ku sedih
kalaulah kawan yg merawat hatiku yg
pedih

bai,kalaulah teman yg mengajar ku erti
kehidupan
di kala ku sesat di dalam hutan

akan ku susuni jari jemariku
utk ku pohon doa utk mu
supaya kau bejaya menimba ilmu
sepanjang perjalanan ke dunia barumu

i love you bai

p/s: baii..ko ape kaba..storylah..aku rindu nak jumpe
ko..aku still adeeq yg ko kenal dulu.

This is the last message I've got from her before she past away. Tomorrow, will be a month since she passed away. How I wish that my sad feelings will go away...I still miss her at times..and sometimes my heart hurt badly..This few days, I've been thinking about death..I don't know why..but I've been having a wierd feeling about it.. I remembered it all started when I read the sympthom2 of dying. It been haunted me since maybe it is because I'm not ready for it. I even scared to tell my closest friends and family that I am really2 scared. I don't think I have enough good deeds to secure a place in heaven. I am not a good daughter to my parents as there are still things for them I have'nt complete. Too scared to think that after I died, my family will lost its breadwinner as most income comes from me. Too scared to think that my responsibilities will be handed to Ana and Mamat as they still need me as I need her so much. Too scared that my parents could not face the reality as they have put so much hope in me. Too scared that I will not have the last chance to tell them that they are my world and how I love them so much. Too scared that don't have the chance to tell all my friends that I love them so much and appreciate their friendship so much as they have helped me to build myself. Too scared to continue this anymore................................................................?????

Tired

2005-02-12T12:57:00.000+08:00

Do u always think of a man? Why he always stared at you but don't have anything to say..Wonder if u ever wear wrong outfit or u talk very loud at place, but he still looks at you even when u just past the street? Well, that's what I felt about Wafie..a boy that i admire during SPM's era..Yes, he still haunts me once in a while..and I still bump into him almost every week. And yes..my heart still beat faster.. I really don't know what happen..I know I made a mistake by sending him one letter, a mistake which made him look at me ever since..Not only him, his friends now also join him to stare..Deep down, he one of the people who still make my heart skips at times.what a wonderful feeling, I hate to admit but I'm not comfortable every time we sat in the same foodcourt but different place. I don't want to have this feeling as I know he had already have someone special.How do I know? Don't ask..Please God, could you just make this feeling go away.. I am tired

ADEQ in memory

2005-01-21T16:52:00.000+08:00

Kehilangan, pedih aku rasakan saat ini..Kesal kerana tidak mampu mengucap kata2 terakhir kepadanya. Rindu..rinu yang teramat sangat kepada seorang rakan akrab..Benci..pada diri sendiri kerana sibuk dengan urusan sendiri dan tidak mengerti perhatian seorang kawan..Aku rasa betul2 kehilangan..Sehingga sekarang saban hari sebelum tidur aku teringat at dia..airmata ini asyik mengalir apabila terpandangkan wajahnya di album..Sentiasa riang, gembira dan dia juga mengajar aku senyum dan menyayangi diri sendiri..Tiada lagi ketawa riang, tiada lagi senyum manja dari seorang kawan yang menerimaku seadanya selama ini..Sentiasa mengambil berat dan sentiasa menunjukkan kasih sayangnya..dialah insan teristimewa yang tak mungkin aku lupa..Tiada kata2 dapat kuungkapkan apabila mendengar berita sedih darinya, cukuplah sekali ini, aku tak mungkin lagi bertahan ..kiranya ada waktu ingin kuputarkan waktu..Namun, menolak kenyataan seolah2 menolak kuasa ALLAH..Hanya DIA sahaja yang berhak keatasmu, damailah engkau di sana semoga ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman dan dikasihiNYA..ALLAHYARHAMAH NOR FAIZAH IDRIS dalam KENANGAN...

Regrets somehow haunts you!

2005-01-10T20:39:00.000+08:00

There are times in life where I had done something which I think is morally not right, yet I still think if any segments in my life in the past somehow changed, I would not be as fortunate as now. There are times when I think that I should somehow work hards for my grades but I did not, eventually get grades which I deserved the most. Even if during that times I did great, somehow I think it would not be as lucky as this. Destiny somehow inter related with what we did in the past and what we had achieved. This might be true as same as the reality that what we did to a person could happened to us..This theory have proven their case somehow..But somehow, I did face with some regrets which I think have burden me somehow like the case when my grandpa past away, and I am not with him at that time, hurt me so much..until now when I think of him, my heart aches ..everytime. Past life could haunt you until your last breath but somehow you survived and only ALLAH knows why..Well, you be the judge for your own heart as I have already knows mine..But somehow if you lost in the road, dont't forget to go the only sole sources..GOD the ALMIGHTY...ALLAH...

The Road Not Taken (by Robert Frost)

2005-01-08T18:30:00.000+08:00

Hi, I'm kinda took this poem which I thought instantly, the words described me at some points of my life..I'm kinda found it in ERL, on my way to Putrajaya.
Incredible isn't it?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both,
And be one traveller,
long I stood,
And looked down as few as I could,
To where it bent in the undergrowth,
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there,
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay.
In leaves no stop had trodden back,
Oh, I kept the first for another day,
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back,
I shall be telling this with a sign,
Somewhere ages and ages hence,
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference..

by Robert Frost

2005 Resolutions

2005-01-04T16:40:00.000+08:00

The year of 2004 has just ended. This followed by 2005 which I have yet to see the outcome of it in my life. As the new year entered, I have made some resolutions which I thought reasonable and practical in my daily life:

Resolutions
1) The most important, is to get my `P', which I have been trying to get since 2002. Quite long, I supposed and even my final exam has not been so difficult as this one.
2) Buy a car of course! what car, depends on my financial aid.hehehe
3) Setting an emergency aid for my family.
4) Fall in love..hhehe
5) Getting new friends.
6) Go to all Indonesian band live concert..(I miss Cokelat, last year!)
7) Must save some money for that `keyboard' that can help in achieving my goals as skilled piano player (aha!)
8) Must also get that play station 2 in da house!
9) Must learn to control my hot-temper..
10) Be a good citizen
11) Lastly, (i hope!)..to mark up my work in Bernama

I think, that's all for now..Well, maybe the list will be added according to needs..

Aku berhenti berharap....

2004-12-09T18:14:00.000+08:00

"Life could be harsh sometimes, it depends solely on us to trade it with something else or to stay behind and enjoy the ride"

By me..

(Used to be someone's quote, but I change it)

aku tak percaya lagi
dengan apa yang kau beri
aku terdampar di sini
tersudut menunggu mati
aku tak percaya lagi
akan guna matahari
dengan mampu menerangi
sudut gelap hati ini
aku berhenti berharap
dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat
tak ada cinta kudapat
kenapa ada derita
bila bahagia tercipta
kenapa ada sang hitam
bila putih menyenangkan...

aku pulang...
tanpa dendam
kuterima.. kekalahanku
aku pulang...
tanpa dendam
kusalutkan.. kemenanganmu

kau ajarkan aku bahagia
kau ajarkan aku derita
kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
kau tunjukkan aku derita
kau berikan aku bahagia
kau berikan aku derita

Em, lagu tu sebenarnya tak ada kena mengena dengan hidup aku sekarang tetapi aku mungkin jadi begini tanpa keluarga dan teman2 di sisi selama ini. Love u all...Peace :)

Trip to Singapore (Last Part)

2004-12-06T20:24:00.000+08:00

It has been almost three weeks since I posted the first and second part of the trip. Yet, I will be hard for me to conclude the things I want to said. The trip which supposed to be working visit has become the family affairs. However, between the sadness and the happiness there, it still be memories which will remained close to my heart. Whether I like it or not, it has become a fragment of my another episode of life. Life has to go on, some things remained secret and somethings are worth unveiled. Yet, along the line, if we have been hurt, we'll never know that we may hurt somebody in return. That is destiny, whether we like it or not, life must go on whatever happens. My heart aches, thinking that whatever happens in Singapore, may be repeated. How I wish that the same mistakes I have done, will not be repeated again. I'm only a human, with a short-memory function.

Trip to Singapore (Part 2)

2004-11-23T15:29:00.000+08:00

This maybe my longest entry, however whatever we starts, may have an end. So, this is my second part of the story..Anway despite of silent treatment by my so-called aunt, I managed to look in positive aspect of the trip. Beside being awarded $40 (Singapore dollar) by the IT company for the hassle their put me through to write their story, I still managed to get some `duit raya' from some elders in the family. Well, it is a surprise, being a working women (aha!), they said that this is my reimbursement of not able to come to Singapore for the last two years. Next year, I'm the one who will be giving out the duit raya to them :( Aside from that, I managed to improve my relationship with my so-called step cousin brother (this is his phrase: 'step-cousin') which been left in despair for the last four years because of the miscommunication and argument via e-mail. Sometimes, I wonder would it be ok for me to forget and forgive him, but anyhow my heart long for the good old days again. I still remember how close we are, playing football together (he uses forces against me as I the only cousin with the closer age gap), fighting and crying..how I miss those days. But somehow, things change a lot. I think people also changes along the line..In whatever ways we use to repair any relationship, I think it would be never be the same again. That's what happen..But deep in my heart, he is still a big brother to me, protecting and scolding me at anytime..Apart from that, this trip also saw an amazingly changes within all my counsins. Hid..especially have grown into a very beautiful young girl (this is an honest remarks) and secretly I am honoured she is in the same line with me aka mass comm, and Hid..I would like to see you 'glow' girl, in the industry. Anyway, keep up the good work though..and as for Fara, eventhough I miss seeing her, I believed, she too has grown into an amazing girl despite of her misfortune since childhood. She will be the most courageous and firm young lady, good luck. As for other cousins, I welcomed the newly entry in the family -- MOHD FADHIL OSMAN (not sure of the spelling), who are more than 20 days old. May ALLAH lead your to beautiful journey of life and protecting you all the way to the top. And for not so new entry to the family -- SUFYAN HADI SELAMAT (not sure of the spelling either!). Congratulates, you have been in the family for more than two years now, may your journey continues to be smoothly and may ALLAH bless u all the way. And for other cousins, who I have not mentioned, you still have a long way to go as I do (until the day I died.), I love you all..and the second part of the journey ends here. (To be continue..)

Trip to Singapore (Part 1)

2004-11-23T13:36:00.000+08:00

It has been nearly two years, I haven't been to Singapore, due to some personal problems and financial problem, I thought the job offered by my boss, covering an IT company event last Thursday, was a good opportunity for me to get-together with my relatives. However, it changed badly, for the first day..I arrived in Changi Airport at about 9 am, which was an hour earlier for my assignment. Because of money and I miss MRT so much, I decided to take MRT. Basically, this is my first assignment outside Malaysia, consider Singapore as overseas, which I think more like my hometown. I was nervous and at the same time excited. This is my first assignment overseas, and I would like my boss sees me as his potential good worker. So I decided to do my very best. The first hour at the media briefing was boring, as the company is IT company and some of the reporters were more to technicality than business angle. Anyway, I have my way of doing it afterwards, so the job part was not so difficult for me, as I had attended many briefings on IT products and had experience in writing IT story.
However the hardest part is when I met my auntie later at Raffles Hospital's Banquet. I was excited as I have not seen my aunt (my mother's side) for years, however the scene turn sour after an hour later. She was starting accusing me of not keeping my promise to go to my grandma's house that day. She said, my planning to stay one day at my auntie's house (my father's side) was not a brilliant idea. She keep blaming me and accusing me in harsh tones, which apparently made me shouted back at her. I was not meant to do that, but somehow I was devastated, as my real intention after the job is basically to spent some times with them. By blaming me of not loving them and tried to accuse me of staying away from them, were rubbish. My love for them are still strong but at the same time they have to respect me as I used to respect them when I was a child. It hurts me so much as she keep accusing me of not keeping my promise and stayed away from them, which were not true. We finally made a scene in front of public, which was the first time. I hate it but I cannot stand the scene. I reach out my handbag, ready to go and could not face all the accusations, when she said that I was not brave enough to face, which I thought I cannot carry on with the conversations. I was crying hard at that time. My mind thought of leaving the city at the same day. No point of staying if no one appreciate whatever I was doing. ONLY because I decided to stay one day at my aunt's house (dad's side) to finish my work before going to my grandma's (mom's side) the next day. So, for the next two to three days, I have to bear with her actions. Fortunately, her sisters, my other aunties, did not mention the issues after the day's of argument. I don't know if all of them knew, but whoever knows about it are keeping it safely under their blanket. Lucky me..Sometimes I wonder if they still think me as their little niece or their niece which has grown up and basically have her own life to think of. However, deep in my heart, they are still my aunties and I love them dearly.. (to be continued...)

Bent

2004-11-08T17:30:00.000+08:00

This is what I felt right now..need somebody to hold on........

"If I fall along the way pick me up and dust me off
and if I get too tired to make it be my breath so I can walk
If I need some other love give me more than I can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded wait around I'll smile again
shouldn't be so complicated just hold me and then
just hold me again can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together
you're breaking me in and this is how we will end with you and me bend
If I couldn't sleep could you sleep could you paint me better off
could you sympathize with my needs I know you think I need a lot
I started out clean but I'm jaded just phoning it in
just breaking the skin start bending me
It's never enough I feel all your pieces start bending me
Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in
shouldn't be so complicated
just touch me and then just touch me again."

So, how about helping me get through all this.....

I wish I can decide now..

2004-10-28T05:17:00.000+08:00

Em..ari ni dah ari ke-13 Ramadhan, bermaksud dah 13 ari puasa tapi aku still tak decide lagi mana aku nak raya. Sama ada balik Melaka, Singapura ataupun beraya kat KL ni..Bila dengar lagu hari raya yang dahpun mula berkumandang, hatiku mula berdetik nak balik S'pura. Dah dekat tiga tahun x menjengukkan muka, tapi hati pula berat nak balik. Yang pastinya, parents dan adik lelakiku pasti menjejakkan kaki ke Kota Singa selewat-lewatnya tanggal 2 Syawal. Itupun sebab nak menemaniku di KL yang degil x nak balik. Bukan x nak, tapi disebabkan ini first year aku sebagai "wanita bekerjaya" ni terpaksalah korban sikit, jadi yang pastinya 60% dari hatiku berkata, tahun depan dua minggu aku cuti balik S'pura, hahaha. Yang jadi kemusykilannya, hari ketiga tu aku x tau nak balik Melaka ker atau balik kampung Along. Along tu abang angkat aku..Yer, kami memang adik beradik angkat. Nak balik Melaka, takut kena laser dgn makcik2 aku sebab "terbawak" pakwe (sekarang ni ex) balik kampung, dua tiga bulan lalu. Aku bawak balik pun atas kebenaran parents aku, ingatkan niat baik dan berharap jodoh kami berpanjangan. Ternyata, tak lama lepas bawak dia balik, hubungan kami putus..ternyata,jodoh dan ajal terletak di tangan-Nya. Kita yang sebagai manusia, kadangkala leka dan alpa. Berbalik pasal nak balik kampung tadi, makcik2 aku gerenti tanya pasal dia kan, aku malaslah nak jawab..sebab semuanya dah berlalu. Tapi makcik2 aku ada tabiat yang suka menyalahkan aku atau mengenakan aku (sindirlah tu!) yang menyebabkan aku tawar hati nak balik. Tapi aku rasa kena reconsider balik keputusan aku, just because nenek tersayang. Yelah, takkan ko nak back-off semata2 atas sebab2 yang dah sejarah tu. So, kenalah berani menghadapi. Hatiku 50% berkata, aku akan balik ke Melaka. Malangnya, 50% lagi hatiku berkata, aku nak ikut Along balik, memandangkan ini entah kali keberapa dia ajak aku balik kampung dia tahun ni. Aku pulak selalu sibuk dan susah dapat cuti, itu yang membuatkan aku terkilan tu. Tapi at the same time, aku takut dipersalahkan atas keputusannya putus tunang baru-baru ini. Korang tentunya fikir aku seduce him right? Firstly, eventhough I don't like his fiancee, I don't bother to bother them though..Secondly, after getting engaged, I keep my distance..Thirdly, I met her just once..Fourthly, she is really not Along type..Fifthly, I rather not talk..Jadi, boleh buat kesimpulan kan..Aku bukanlah penyebab..Guess who popped up this idea..my mum.She really thought that I was the reason behind the break-up..Really, eventhough I like him, it never crossed my mind to be the third party and that is why after getting engaged, I keep my distance..See, I wish I can decide..

Atuk

2004-10-24T02:25:00.000+08:00

Em, malam2 begini mengingatkan aku pada seseorang..Entah kenapa sejak tibanya Ramadhan, aku sering diingatkan dengan kenangan2 masa kecil, kenangan itu amat indah, dan kalau boleh aku ingin mengulangi kembali saat2 manis dan berharga dalam diri ini. Insan yang amat aku sayangi dan hormati sehingga kini. Kenangan pertamaku tentunya mengingatkan kembali aku dengan arwah atuk. Insan yang banyak membimbing aku dan banyak memberi semangat kepadaku. Mohd Dom Hussein..nama yg diberi. Beliau telah kembali ke rahmatullah pada tanggal 1 Januari 98 bersamaan dengan 2 Ramadhan..Arwah atuk tidak dapat kutemui, menyebabkan rasa terkilanku masih kekal di sanubari ini. Tidak ku sangka suaranya ku dengar seminggu sebelum itu adalah amanat terakhirnya buatku. ..Tanpa aku sedari kehilangannya, membuatkan aku hilang arah seketika, namun aku sempat tersedar lantas aku kejari cita2ku sehingga aku berjaya menamatkan pengajian di universiti selama 4 tahun setengah. "Lihatlah atuk, Zura dah berjaya, kalaulah atuk dapat lihat kejayaan zura ini." Ramadhan ini saksi pemergian arwah atukku, semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat, Al-Fatihah...

Kembalinya Ramadhan...

2004-10-16T07:05:00.000+08:00

Em.pejam celik, pejam celik..dah puasa balik..Sperti kebiasaannya, aku sambut dengan kesederhanaan apatah lagi serba kekurangan. Sesungguhnya puasa ini banyak mengajar aku erti kesabaran dan kepayahan. Bulan mulia ini jugalah yang menyaksikan aku dari kecil sehingga ke usia ini. Meniti hidup, detik demi detik...Aku banyak kenangan di bulan ini..Bulan mulia bagi semua umat manusia yang beragama Islam..Baru-baru ini, aku hantar surat kepada seorang sahabat lama. Dialah sahabat baik aku yang pertama masa sekolah menengah dan dia juga penguat semangat aku masa tu. Namanya ..ANDI SOFYAN MOHD SIDEK..sehingga sekarang aku masih mengingatinya.. Dia antara insan yang menyumbang kepada apa sahaja yang aku alami sekarang ini. Banyak memberi semangat dan dorongan kepada aku. Masa tu, dalam hubungan kami tiada CINTA hanya kasih-sayang seorang kawan kepada sahabatnya.Bagaimanapun, setahun selepas aku mengikuti jejaknya ke menara gading, kami terpisah kerana sebab2 yang aku dan dia sahaja yang tahu. Walaupun sudah lama kami tidak berhubungan, aku harap Ramadhan kali ini menyaksikan hubungan persahabatan kami bertaut kembali kerana dia memang seorang insan yang baik. Walaupun kami tidak berhubungan lagi, aku sentiasa mendoakan kesejahteraan dan kebahagiaannya di dunia dan akhirat. Semoga Ramadhan kali ini menyambung kembali hubungan kami. ....

Sorry...

2004-10-07T13:30:00.000+08:00

Today..i kinda miss a friend..who? a friend who always listen to anything, whether I'm down or I'm over the moon..We kinda close after knowing each other better after become officemate..I always look up at her and admire her intelligent, determination and always wishing to be brave like her. Cause I'm kind of opposite...well i'm not jealous of her...I'm just writing this to say I'm sorry. Yesterday, I sort of blur and give her wrong info until she kind of angry with me. Sometimes, this is my nature, whether I am really blur or I am just stupid enough to make people angry. I'm kinda sensitive and this whole week just another week full of crap and shit. It kinda kill me slowly inside and hopefully this black cloud will soon find their other innocent victim. Sorry..really looking forward to see you tomorrow.

It is been a while...

2004-10-05T20:59:00.000+08:00

Dah lama rasanya aku x tulis dlm blog aku nie..bukannya lupa, tapi himpitan kerja dan bebanan kerja yang semakin membebankan aku. Baru semalam, aku stress giler sampai menangis depan PC. Aku ingat, itulah second time aku dapat mental block, semata-mata pasal Isa. Kalau aku tahu, gerenti aku x susah payah buat story pelan struktur KL 2020. yang aku sendiri pun tak tahu wpun dah lebih 20 tahun dok kat bandar raya ni. Nasib baik ada kekawan yg mendengar keluhan aku, kalau x mesti mood aku x baik lagi. Anyway, today is better. Itupun pada mulanya nak jadi cam semalam, tapi akhirnya aku survive. Esok, bermula lagi satu episod lain.Yang pasti hidup ni panjang dan aku kena teruskan wpun aku sendiri x suka penghujungnya..

A Friend are.......

2004-09-21T20:31:00.000+08:00

(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffers support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plain things you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen
& (Z)aps you back to reality...

Life could be cruel to you sometimes..

2004-09-21T20:06:00.000+08:00

Well the phrase that I referring to are especially for those people, who like to meddle in other peoples business, who also like to interfere and for also those who scared people. In today story, that person is my current boss. He is the kind of person who once knew your weaknesses, will forever use it against you. Beware!! I've been in that kind of situation. First, is when I sent my screen from where I supposed not to.Secondly is when I called in and said I've got MC, but the truth is I never got it. But that time, I really2 sick and the entire office staff knew about it. I went to the clinic the day after as I dont have money to go the day I supposed to go. That is why I haven't got my MC. But the thing is, I blew it. Once he knew I've been lying to him, he scolded me badly, and keep repeating of what I've done. Really hate that time, eventhough he is the one been telling me to see doctor. Quite sad, when I think about it as it sort of messing my life. However this is not the end of the world, and I will try not to think about it as a big matter..Agree with me?

Keje malam..

2004-09-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

Sejak masuk meja ekonomi ni, aku selalu merindukan shift malam..yelah kalau kat sport atau general, kalau malam mesti sampai pukul 12 malam. Berlainan dengan orang lain, aku sememangnya suka suasana malam di ofis. Tenang dan tidak ramai orang...Lepas tu, time balik mesti ada orang hantar balik..Selain tu, aku suka browse internet malam-malam, yalah banyak info yang boleh dicari tanpa berebut dengan orang lain. Kekadang tu aku sahaja mengharapkan sesuatu kejadian besar berlaku supaya aku boleh jadi bidan terjun untuk buat liputan. Namun nampaknya, semua tu hanya tingal angan-anganku. Aku bukanlah nak tunjuk rajin tapi sememangnya aku memang suka keje malam. Satu faktor lain ialah sememangnya aku susah bangun pagi dan selalu tidur lewat. Maklumlah, mata dah diprogramkan begitu sejak azali lagi..Emm, nampaknya dah sampai masa aku pulang, walaupun sememangnya shift malam aku telahpun berakhir 9 malam tadi..Chiow....

2004-09-13T17:15:00.000+08:00

Hari ini betul2 mencabar minda aku..dahlah terkena asgt pasal IT, yang mendalam pasal storage system yang aku selam ni tau hanyalah PC dan CPUku. Abis tu yang datang semuanya rep IT yang dah tau pun psl benda2 camni.apalagi, sakit kepala aku lagi2 ditambah dengan makanan itali dengan main coursenya `kambing'. Hai, semuanya pelik, masuk ofis lepas file story, sakit puan aku datang.Punyelah teruk aku berjalan keliling ofis, tupun nasib baik org x nampak..Setau aku hari pertama jer, benda nie akan datang. Masa aku pulak pelik sebab dia akan dtg menyerang pada hari ketiga atau keempat. Nilah yang terjadi kat aku sekarang..sakit kepala campur sakit puan, yang pasti aku takkan dapat balik awal punyer...itu dah semestinya...chow dulu beb, sakitnya makin terasa.....

Bila rindu menjelma...

2004-09-12T20:05:00.000+08:00

Adalah sekali sepanjang hidup aku ni, aku betul2 minat kat satu mamat ni. Masa tu, aku minat orang lain tapi bila adik angkat aku ada hubungan dengan mamat "R" ni, aku pun terus angkat kaki memandangkan aku memang dah takde harapan masa tu. So, aku dengan jiwa lara ni, tetap dengan keputusan tidak akan meminati budak lelaki sehinggalah aku habis SPM. Tapi yang kelakar ni, tetiba je muncul budak ni yang aku rasa budak baru dalam area aku tinggal tu. Korang mesti tanya kenapa aku tahu pasal dia kan? 1) aku dah duduk sana lebih dari sedekad, mestilah aku kenal muka sorang2 wpun x pernah bercakap. 2) aku tanya kwn aku yg duduk dekat2 umah dia dan dia telah confirmkan yg mamat WAFIE tu (aku pun tak tau sebenarnya nama dia sampailah sekarang) memang budak baru. 3) dia ni memang lain drpd lain, x campur org sangat dan aku selalu perasan yg dia ni selalu dgn kwn2 yang memang aku pun x kenal. Anyway, time goes by dan aku x sangka aku jumpa balik after all these years. Yang kelakarnya, aku tetiba jer ingat saat2 aku minat kat dia. Yelah, dari liat nak bangun pagi pergi sekolah, terus akulah org pertama yg bangun sebelum azan subuh dan yg paling awal tunggu bas. pukul 6.15 aku dah tercacak kat bus stop sebabnya diapun tunggu bas awal. Dia ni mula2 aku ingat dia budak kampung, mana taknya, aku x pernah jumpa sorang budak lelakipun yang pakai kopiah putih pergi sekolah. Itu yang buat aku minat dia, orangnya kurus, tinggi dan selalu bwk beg yang budak sport selalunya akan letak kasut. Hehehe, anyway banyak lagi benda yang pernah aku buat semata2 aku minat kat dia. kelakarkan..bila fikirkan balik, itulah antara perkara paling berani yang pernah aku buat...selain tu, aku pernah tukar kelas tusyen semata2 nak tengok dia tiap2 kelas. Dan yang terakhir dan paling berani sekali masa lepas SPM aku ada hantar surat kat dia. Masa tu puasa dan aku kat Singapura, temankan nenek aku sebab tahun tu adalah tahun pertama Atuk aku meninggal. itulah kali pertama kami sambut puasa tanpanya. Aku antara insan paling terasa kehilangannya sebab aku cucu second atuk selepas Abg Rudie dan paling rapat dengannya. Nenek pulak berada dalam tekanan dan aku selalu tertekan sebab nenek dan makcik aku selalu bertekak, menyebabkan aku selalu dimarahi tanpa sebab. Akupun kebetulan dapat alamat mamat tu dari kwn aku dan takde tempat aku nak curahkan perasaan, jadi aku pun hantarlah kad raya kat dia sambil curahkan perasaan aku kat dia. Bukan curahkan perasaan cinta tapi perasaan tertekan aku sepanjang berada di Singapura. Aku ingat aku takkan jumpa dia lagi dan itulah kali terakhir aku hantar message kat dia, malanglah itulah permulaan sebenarnya..Lepas raya tu, aku jumpa dia balik, dan dia macam kenal aku dan selalu berikan pandangan yang dia kenal aku. Tapi kami x pernah berbual sehinggalah sekarang.Kami akan selalu terserempak dan masing2 akan berpandangan tapi xde kata2 keluar dari mulut kami. Kelakarkan...Mungkinkah sebab surat tu, dia terus mengingati aku sampai sekarang...entahlah tapi yang aku tahu dia telah membuatkan perasaan aku semakin hangat seperti yang aku alami masa zaman persekolahan dulu...

Budget

2004-09-10T12:09:00.000+08:00

Hi pening lagi nampaknya..dua hari ni banyak nombor yang bermain dlm kepala aku ni...Maklumlah, budget akan dibentangkan oleh PM ari ni yang buatkan aku pening kepala..apatah lagi sejak ditukarkan ke meja ekonomi ni..banyak benda yang aku tak tahu dan byk benda yang aku belajar...nipun curi masa tulis dalam blog ni sebab lepas ni aku akan sibuk sehinggalah entah pukul berapa malam ini...tupun aku harap takkan ada scene jerit-menjerit...almaklumlah semua orang akan tension dan sakit kepala...aku x kisah kerja teruk sbenarnya, yg penting sibuk camneer pun aku tetap kena maintain tenang dan cool..Yang penting pengalaman yang akan aku hadapi pertama kali dengar budget dan buat budget...Seingat akulah, tahun2 lepasnya, aku x pernah berminat dengan budget memandangkan ianya berkait rapat dengan byk nombor, satu perkara yg senang memeningkan aku..kaylah, masa dah suntuk dan aku kena balik ke ofis sekarang jugak..heheheh

Yang mana satu?

2004-09-02T20:21:00.000+08:00

Em,tentunya korang heran kenapa aku ckp macam nikan..Biasalah, dalam dua hari seminggu tu, mesti ada hari yg membosankan dan korang rasa x nak balik...Hem, macam yang aku rasa sekarang..Semua kawan aku pulak ada plan yg lain...Aku still kat ofis, tengah fikir sama ada nak tgok wayang ke x?Em, mcam mana yer...cerita PGL nampak menarik tapi abang aku nak tengok cerita lain..ALIEN..Bosannya...Kalau korangkan, nak tgok cerita apa?Ikut aku, nak tengok cerita VISIT, cerita hantu tempatan tu, best tau..tapinyer kalo tengok midnight, mesti aku takut nak balik...yelah, benda nie semua merangsang ketakutan aku..x bestnyer....walaupun hakikatnya aku suka tengok cerita hantu...hai nampaknya hati aku lebih tertarik dengan rumah yg mengingatkan aku pada gameboy adikku dan buku cerita Ramlie Awang Mursyid yang baru...Em, camner ni...

MERDEKA!!!!!

2004-08-31T02:31:00.000+08:00

Ini hari pertama aku dan yang pastinya sempena hari kemerdekaan. Merdeka bagiku punyai makna yang luas...terpulang pada individu sendiri, sama ada yakin untuk terus ke hadapan tanpa menoleh ke belakang. Merdeka..teringat kenangan semasa kat UiTM dulu, sama2 menyelinap belakang kolej dan terus menyertai kekawan yang dok luar..Pastu sama2 berjalan kaki menuju ke Dataran Shah Alam (sekarang nie Dataran Kemerdekaan) untuk menyaksikan sendiri kemeriahan warga kampus menyambut 31 Ogos 2004. Tahun ni pula, aku sambut ke ofis, menandakan umur aku beranjak setahun lagi. Setahun lagi makin umur berganjak dan setahun lagi aku semakin ke arah kedewasaan yang selama ini aku nantikan..Yang pasti, bila difikirkan kembali, ingin saja aku kembali ke zaman kanak-kanak, zaman yang tidak pernah kenal erti apa itu kesusahan.....

Hanya aku yang mengerti.............................